We’ve already covered the different types of disclosures and how children constantly try to communicate with us, wanting us to ask if they are ok. Think about when people ask you how you are; what is your usual answer? Mine is, “Fine, thanks”. It’s my stock phrase that pops out of my mouth without even thinking. We should always ask people at least twice how they are. So, if you’ve asked, “How are you?” then some follow-up questions could include:
- “Is there anything worrying you?”
- “You seem distracted or quiet. Are you ok?”
- “Anything you want to talk about?”
Try to think of different ways to ask a person how they are. We might not ask a second question straight away, so give them a few minutes of reflection time. If we do this with the children we teach, they will get used to us showing we care about them, while also giving them a chance to build up to actually telling us if anything is worrying them.
I mentioned in the Disclosures blog that children talk to staff they trust – staff that show an interest in them as a person. In the recent documentary, The Real Mo Farah, Mo mentions that when he disclosed that he was being trafficked, he did so to his PE teacher. His reason for choosing his PE teacher was, “As a kid, you just know who is good and not, it’s your instinct and that trust. Often, I think I saw him as someone who was not just a PE teacher but someone who genuinely does care. He was inviting me to join the athletics club and running club and encouraging me to join in.”
The Centre of Expertise on Child Sexual Abuse backs this up, stating, “Children want to be noticed by friendly, approachable and caring professionals, with whom they have built a trusted relationship. They want to be asked how they are doing and what is going on, so they have an opportunity to have an open dialogue.”
Other barriers to disclosure can include that:
- Children don’t possess the right vocabulary to express the problem
- The behaviour has been normalised
- They don’t comprehend what is happening to them
- They don’t understand that they are experiencing abuse
Some children feel guilty because they feel it was their fault or they somehow encouraged the abuse. However, a child is in no way responsible for the abuse that happens to them. A victim of abuse may even fear threats of harm to themselves, their friends or family if they disclose the abuse.
Another barrier to disclosure is that children don’t want to burden someone else, thinking that people are too busy to help. Looking back on my career as a PE teacher, in one of the schools I taught, the gym was at one end of the school, a quarter of a mile away, and up two flights of stairs was my classroom. If a child had stopped me on my way to my classroom to teach and asked if I had a minute, my answer at that time would have been, “Just rushing to my lesson, come and see me at break or lunch.”
This would confirm the child’s belief that I was too busy, and perhaps they wouldn’t have tried again to talk. If they did try and come down at lunchtime, I could have been rushing off again to a trampolining or athletics practice. Hindsight is great, but we must learn from the past. So, I ask you all now, if a child asks you for a minute, then give them a minute, even if only to find out what they want. If it can wait, then explain, “I’m just heading to my lesson, I want to give you the time you need, so come back and see me at the start of break.” If it is something that needs your attention straight away, then you have to make arrangements to cover whatever you are about to do, whether teaching a lesson, meeting with a parent or having a one-to-one with another pupil. Schools need systems to allow this to happen.
To encourage children to disclose abuse, we need to be approachable and caring by fostering a culture of openness and trust at school, while at the same time teaching children what is appropriate and what is inappropriate behaviour. We also need to ensure that children understand that it is ok to talk.